I found myself in quite a puddle of despair last week. Many factors contributed to getting me there and I was angry with God. It was Saturday, I had left the kids home with my mother-in-law (who was kind enough to come stay with us for the 10 days Rob was gone -- a huge blessing), and had gone into town to do some shopping. For several days, the anger had been building and it felt as if my prayers were going into a vacuum, bouncing around in an empty, hollow room. Was there something I had done that was causing God not to move in Geovany's case? Was there a lesson I needed to learn? Why was God so silent?
For some crazy reason, one of the things I was shopping for was a birthday dress for Samantha. She turned 2 on Sunday (I know there should have been a post about that, but we're really not celebrating until this Saturday, since Daddy was gone!). I wanted to take her to Church in a birthday princess dress. Don't ask why, I just did. I had many errands to run, and honestly, I had kinda forgotten about the dress. Through some crazy, God-ordained circumstances, I ended up at the Walmart south of town, next to BabiesRUs. As I parked the car, I remembered the dress. Before walking into BabiesRUs, I thought to myself "Wouldn't it be wonderful to find a birthday princess dress in Spanish?" Often times, our BabiesRUs will carry holiday clothing in Spanish. Entering the store, I noticed dozens of clearance racks spread throughout the aisles. On a mission, because there was still lots to do, I headed straight for the birthday rack. There it was, the "Birthday Princess" dress. Cute, adorable, 24 month, in English, $20. I grabbed it and started to wander through the store. As I did so, I started feeling a little foolish. Was it really okay to spend $20 on a dress she'll wear twice? Once to church on her birthday and once the following weekend when we celebrate with family. Pondering this, I began "shopping" the clearance racks. Not really looking for anything, just wasting time while I tried to determine how important this dress was to me. I came to the conclusion that I was indeed being silly and really didn't need the dress, so I hung it back on the rack and turned to leave the store. When I did, I noticed two additional clearance racks I hadn't previously seen. They were tucked up in the front corner of the store where the wrapping paper and gift bags are. Just for kicks, I decided to check them out on my way out. As I approached the first rack, I'm not kidding you, sticking out from it was an adorable, pink, 24 month, birthday princess dress, in Spanish, $5! It still brings tears to my eyes as I think about it. It was the ONLY one on the rack, no other sizes, no other colors, no other dresses, just that one. A gift to me. A reminder that while God is silent in regards to Geovany's adoption, He is still listening to the cries of my heart. He knows what my deepest desires are (some more trivial than others) and is willing to give me the desires of my heart, in His time.
That dress was worn on Sunday, and will be worn this Saturday (when Daddy will take lots of pictures for Mommy to blog!) and then, will be tucked away and saved. Not just because it's a sweet dress for a sweet girl, but because it's a beautiful reminder to me, that in the midst of my anger and frustration, God still heard me, loved me, and answered.
Blessings,
